A Guide to Writing About Some of the Best Things on Earth for Clueless Guys in 10 Easy Steps!
Ladies, please be warned: I use a LOT of slang terms in this post for certain aspects of the female anatomy. I am doing this ONLY to assure the understanding of my mouthbreathing brethren. Please do not take any of these terms as indicative of any attitude other than utmost respect I hold for the vast majority of you.
Y’all. I am DONE.
I’m DONE with seeing limp, weak and outright idiotic prose written by alleged dudes revolving around women, and their breasts in particular. When I see these crimes against the English language, which happens WAY too often because y’all male authors try to act like you’re putting out “serious literatoooooooooooooor” until you start writing about tatas and suddenly revert to the undeveloped nitwits all us cishet guys were in 7th grade gym class, I cringe. Not only are you making an ass out of yourself, but you’re also making life harder for those of us who appreciate tits for what they are and can write them well, without believing the sun rises and sets between the contents of a given woman’s bra.
(This clearly occurs in said woman’s panties, which you would know if you’d been paying an iota of attention from birth up to now! Prove me wrong if you can, cishet guys, but you can’t because science.)
Because I’m sick to death of seeing these crimes against English, the written word and people of every gender acted out on a DAILY FUCKING BASIS on my social media feed, I decided I’m going to do y’all a solid. I’m picking on guys who write women specifically because you will NEVER see a woman who actually has or has ever possessed gazongas mind-barfing up the kind of foolish y’all do in any other way but ironically. (See #MenWriteWomen on Twitter if you want to understand WHY this is such a bad look.
We cool? Okay.
Let’s get this thing started!
1. Women are NOT life support systems for sweater puppies or vaginas.
Okay. Let’s start with the big one.
I know this is going to shock some of you, but you need to know this.
WOMEN ARE PEOPLE.
This means they have hopes, dreams, aspirations, fears, hatreds and ugly sides to their personalities that have nothing to do with their primary or secondary gender characteristics. They have off days. They have morning breath, stinky feet after a long day and sweat when they exercise just like guys, and sometimes they want to rage just as hard (if not harder) than any guy, and generally for better reasons than most guys can ever muster.
If a woman chooses to define HERSELF in terms of her rack, that’s her business. If she wants to play up the “dumb bimbo fucktoy” male fantasy because it makes her hot and/or pleases her partner, that’s cool. BUT…if you’re going to make a female character an airheaded life support system for breasts or a vagina, you’d better make her smart as FUCK and using that shit to her benefit if you don’t want to turn off every woman who looks at your work slantwise.
2. Women’s bosoms are not mood rings!
You can learn a lot of things about a man from his penis. You can make educated guesses as to his overall physical, mental and emotional health based on the relative flaccidity or tumescence of the penis and the staying power of an erection. (These don’t always go together, as any penis-bearing person can attest, but as a broad generality, we’re going to roll with it.)
Too many men write women’s lady lumps as some sort of a thoracic equivalent to a penis which gives insight into their psyche. I can only guess they figure, “They’re clearly visible and get erect sometimes, so they must work kinda like a dick that way.”
NO! NONONONONONONO! NEIN, NE, NO, NADA, NON! FUCKING STOP IT! STOP IT NOW!
The ONLY thing you can reliably conclude from the presence of shirt pillows is…the presence of fatty tissue in a more or less relatively uniform location on the human body.
Many men and boys have gynecomastia, which is more commonly known as “man boobs” or “moobs,” INCLUDING THE AUTHOR OF THIS POST. It comes with the dad bod. Many female-presenting people do not have one or both zeppelins due to accidents, injuries or illness including breast cancer. Thus, using a woman’s chest as a visual mood ring is fairly stupid and 99,000% more likely to get your MMC slapped into next week as to get him laid…and it’s almost GUARANTEED to piss off every woman who reads it, too.
You MAY be able to tell ONE thing authoritatively from the state of a woman’s nipples: Whether she’s warm enough or not. End of.
3. A woman’s bust is not a reliable indicator of anything to do with her sexuality.
In keeping with the previous point, women’s whoppers do not always indicate sexual arousal. Again, they indicate the presence of fatty tissue in a specific location on the human thorax. NOTHING. MORE!
4. Not every woman experiences titty hard-ons (nipple erection), and very rarely simply by SEEING someone they’re attracted to.
Yes, I’m hammering on this point because too many men think women’s nipples immediately get hard in the mere presence of whoever turns her on. Not so! (This does happen. I’ve SEEN it. But I promise you it’s a whole lot rarer than 99.9999% of guys wish it was.) In fact, there are many women who dislike having their loblollies touched at all, or who only like them touched in very specific ways, or who like them touched but for whatever reason their nipples don’t react tangibly to the partner’s perception, even though it feels great to the woman. (Kissing, licking, etc.)
So when you write, “He walked in the room and her nipples instantly stood to attention in honor of his rampant maleness,” women roll their eyes (even if they CAN produce nipple erections at will or on command) and I want to strangle you with about half a mile of your own entrails. STOP THIS SHIT! STOP IT AT ONCE! If you want a credible reason for her nipples to get hard, try investing in some extended foreplay. And no, I do NOT mean pinch them twice, bite them once and she’ll be soaking wet and ready. Yes, there are SOME women for whom this holds true all the time, and SOME more for whom this is true SOME of the time, but in general, allow me to reiterate:
NO! NONONONONONONO! NEIN, NE, NO, NADA, NON! FUCKING STOP IT! STOP IT NOW!
5. Yes, womens’ bazooms DO move…but not the way you think!
Fun fact: The human body is about 70% water. Adipose deposits (that’s “fat” to those of you reading this who can’t handle multisyllabic words) consist of somewhere between 6-36% water. However, because of fat’s generally disorganized nature at the cellular level, it’s actually lighter than water. This means areas with high adipose content, like knobs, often move quite a bit. For example, look up a video of a woman with a large posterior being spanked. Play it in slow motion to get the full effect.
Generally, when they’re at rest, globes form a vaguely teardrop-shaped profile. When a women is sitting or standing, this means the “tip” of the teardrop will be at the top, near the shoulder, and the rest will taper downward gradually to form a drop shape. When they’re lying down, they will incline more toward the sides and the drop shape will not be quite as obvious. This is almost always true, except in women with exceptionally small or non-present orbs.
When women jump, run, turn abruptly or make rapid up-and-down motions (as with riding cowgirl), so do the cans. The same applies if women make dramatic arm movements such as throwing their hands up in exasperation because, oh, for example, their man said something fucking stupid. In this circumstance, if you’re paying attention to her bubbies…MAYBE, JUST MAYBE this is diagnostic of a portion of the REASON she’s pissed off in the first place because you’re focused on the WRONG FUCKING THING, SKIPPY! Think about it.
6. No, women’s chesticles do not actually move when they make facial expressions UNLESS they move something else, like their arm, at the same time.
In no circumstances, ever…
Do ladies’ charms move with her eyes or mouth.
EVER. EVER. EVEREVEREVEREVERFUCKINGEVER!
I do not CARE how much plastic surgery she’s had. Even if her clitoris could now be confused for an Adam’s apple in bad lighting from all the tightening she’s undergone. Even if she’s had so many facelifts even Joan Rivers would go, “Seriously, sweetie, just let it go.” Even if the bags under her eyes ARE ACTUALLY HER TITS at this point.
If a woman rolls her eyes, smiles or frowns…that’s ALL that happens. UNLESS it is accompanied by a sudden turn or an abrupt gesture. Then, and ONLY THEN, does anything happen below the neckline. If these two things happen at the same time, it’s called a “coincidence.” This means two things which are completely unrelated but happen at the same time in a way which makes these things appear to be related.
TL;DR: THIS. DOES. NOT. HAPPEN.
7. No, women do NOT spend more than a few seconds checking out and adjusting the girls at any given time.
Guys, I’m a BIG fan of the tetas. (That’s Spanish. You’re welcome.) Even the tetons. (That’s French. Yes, Montana was explored and exploited by horny Europeans with too much time and testosterone, and FAR too little imagination, on their hands.) I love ’em. I love all of them. Big, small, perky, flat, floppy. If I’m close enough to get to see them, I’m happy to have been invited. (See below.)
That said: Women are nowhere NEAR as obsessed with their own tiggo bitties as cishet guys are. Most of the time, they check their business the way guys check their hair. Everything’s in place. Good. Not showing any unsightly scalp or a fleck of aureola. Good. On to the show.
THAT said: A cishet woman KNOWS her man’s going to be looking. She expects it. If you’ve been on more than three dates, chances are you’ve seen them and she knows you like what you’re looking at. So they will totally weaponize that shit. (Love you, ladies, but tell me I’m wrong.) When they want to feel extra sexy, or want extra attention, or want to KNOW their man is still into them, they may spend a little extra time getting everything JUST. SO. But they’re not doing that for them. They’re doing that for YOU. For the attention you’re going to give her. And hopefully for the good, good lovin’ she wants from you later in the night. (There’s a darker side to this too. Anyone who’s ever had a woman dress to the nines to give you one last look at what’s walking out the door as she says “Sayonara” knows exactly what I’m talking about.)
8. Women want their knockers free of that bra which gives the cleavage effect you’re so damn hot and bothered over at the earliest possible opportunity.
Let me preface this by saying I love the female form. Watching the female form divest herself of a bra is sexy as hell, basically regardless of circumstances, because cishet male.
For women, I promise you this: 99% of the time, they are NOT thinking about you or your viewing pleasure when they get that fucking bra off. They just want to be free. Like when you get home from being in slacks all day and the first thing you do is change into those raggedy-ass basketball shorts with no underwear you’ve been rocking every since tenth grade because they’re comfy as hell and your boys can breathe. Guess what? See #1, regarding the idea that WOMEN ARE PEOPLE.
Bras are uncomfortable. If they make the funbags look good, I promise you they’re probably a torture device for the woman, what with underwires and straps that fit weird. This is for normal-sized, proportionate big ‘uns. Now imagine the woman who has outsized honkers.
Not only do they have all the fun I already listed; they may not even be able to BUY a bra at a regular store. Even worse, they can get backaches, neck aches, headaches and all sorts of other postural and spinal problems over time. Does that make YOU want to have sexy fun time? Because, this is going to come as a shock, but after lugging around wobbly bits all day, sexy fun time is probably NOT the priority for them. They want a lie-down, some chocolate, a drink and for their guy to shut his fucking stupid mouth for ten minutes. Take a poll; I bet you my last year’s book sales the results will bear me out on this one.
9. Functional mammary glands are not as comfortable for their bearers as you might think they are.
See above. They can be fun if stimulated properly, but in most cases, they’re a tedious, irritating annoyance which just gets in the way. And, if she’s had a baby in the last year or three, unless she’s got an adult nursing fetish (look it up; you got here, you can use Google to figure out that ANR is a real thing which people actually do), she probably wants anyone who didn’t start life entirely from their own body to leave anything above the equator the whole entire fuck ALONE.
10. Yes, even with cosmetic/plastic surgery, jugs still have to obey the laws of physics and human anatomy.
They move when they’re moved. They move when the woman who possesses them moves in such a way that they have to follow what she’s doing. Otherwise, they don’t move independently. They don’t stay put while the woman turns, even with the HARDEST of hard-core cosmetic surgery.
Get it? Got it?
Now, a couple of bonus tips you can use both IRL and in your writing.
Keep to these things and you’ll probably enjoy your life a whole lot more, while getting slapped across the mouth or hit with restraining orders a lot less. Something to think about.
Bonus tip #1: Unless you and she have had a LONG talk about what words you should or should not apply to her chest or any other anatomy, either DO NOT COMMENT or stick with “breasts.” (Please, FOR THE LOVE OF FUCK, DO NOT COMMENT ON ANY WOMAN’S BREASTS EVER UNLESS INVITED!) None of the terms in bold print used in this blog OTHER than “breasts” should be used without her consent, or really at all EVER. When you’re writing about women, you can get away with using euphemisms IF AND ONLY IF you can have her explain in character why she prefers/uses another term. (“Please fuck my tits and make me your cock-stupid slut, Master,” is a valid use of this term for some very specific subgenres of erotica.)
Bonus tip #2: If you’re in a position to HAVE an opinion on a given woman’s headlights, SHUT UP, be glad you were invited to the party and simply say “Thank you. They’re lovely.” This is also a good rule to follow for any characters who might interact with a given female character, especially if they’re actually going to get to see her hooters. (The ONLY exception to this rule is if another character notices a lump, discolored area or other potential indicator of breast cancer. Then they should deal with it with the same compassion you’d want if you were maybe showing signs of cancer. But maybe don’t do this without a really good plot-based reason. Otherwise you’re really just kind of being a dick and trolling for woke points you don’t deserve.)