On Fucking Up

A man took his little boy by the hand and went on a stroll about the town. As they went, the man, an architect and builder, pointed out the things he’d built.

“Son,” said he, pointing into the town, “I built a hundred o’ these houses with me own two hands. But do they call me Seamus the House Builder? Nae!”

Then he pointed to the ten bridges spanning the river, allowing access between the town and the mainland. “Son, I built every one o’ these bridges ye see with me own two hands. But do they call me Seamus the Bridge Builder? Nae!”

Then he pointed to the two churches, their steeples soaring proudly over the town. “Son, I built those two churches with me own two hands. But do they call me Seamus the Church Builder? NAE!!!”

He paused, his face red and contorted in outrage, then said,

“…but ye fuck ONE GOAT…!”

animal-domestic-field-1011629

The moral of the story is obvious, and can be summed up in this quote, source unknown:

“When you do right, no one remembers. When you do wrong, no one forgets.”

Today, I fucked the goat.

Hopefully it will be obvious that I’m not speaking literally here. For anyone who has any doubt, let me be very plain: barnyard animals are not among the many kinks I claim. Never have been, never will be. This is what we English majors call a metaphor.

Let me explain.

This morning, I made a promise: I would ping Sparrow after I dropped someone off at an appointment. Now, this individual has a mouth like forever and is arguably the single most tedious human being I’ve ever been personally acquainted with. However, getting them where they need to be is one of the things I do to help keep life moving a bit more smoothly for everyone concerned, so I do it and try to keep my kvetching about it to an absolute minimum, or less.

However, getting them from Alpha to Bravo without incident is pretty much the limit of what I’m prepared to do. This morning, we got to the venue a little early, and I busied myself reading a couple of blogs and news articles pertaining to matters of interest to me. When the person in question got out of the car, I was still reading.

And…I forgot my promise to Sparrow. I fucked the goat.

Now, this may not seem like a big thing to someone on the outside. In the grander scheme of things, I suppose it really ISN’T a big thing. Shit happens, people forget things, something comes up or just plain old “Derp” takes the stage.

In a kink dynamic, especially a 24/7 dynamic, forgetting promises can be dangerous or even lethal to the dynamic.

Let’s look at the very complex and nuanced message this simple (and innocent) act of forgetfulness on my part sent to my cherished slave:

  1. I really don’t care about the fact you’re having a shitty day and need some extra support.
  2. I’m only around, have time or care for or about you when it fits into my schedule or benefits me.
  3. Your concerns and needs aren’t important enough to warrant my full, undivided attention.
  4. As your Master, I don’t have to follow through on what I promise. Fair and right are what I say they are, and you just have to deal with that.
  5. It’s your job to be on point, not mine. You’re the slave and you get what I give you, whether or not it lines up with what we negotiated and I promised you.

Now, anyone who knows me knows the foregoing points are very definitely NOT how I handle my business. Yes, sometimes things go pear-shaped and tits up. Money doesn’t materialize, emergencies arise, things happen which are simply beyond my control. In other words, I’m a human being who doesn’t have an endless supply of resources I can marshal to shut down problems. It would be wonderful if I did, but I don’t, so sometimes yes, I just have to do the best I can and hope it’s enough. Kind of like any other mortal person walking this planet. Howboutda? Hoodathunkit?

But this wasn’t one of those times. I had the only resources I really needed ready to hand: time, my phone, a robust signal, my hands, my voice and (more or less) functional eyes and ears.

And I fucked the goat. I lost track of time and forgot one of the most important priorities in my life, sending her a whole series of terrible (and untrue) messages without saying a single syllable or typing a single letter.

This isn’t something I can fix, since rewinding time is beyond even my phenomenal cosmic powers. It’s not something I can make right, the single most important ingredient in an apology to my way of thinking. The only thing I CAN do about this is apologize profusely and humbly, acknowledge I did wrong and resolve to strive not to repeat the mistake again.

Sparrow, when you read this, I’m very, very sorry. I’d like to swear this will never happen again, but that’s a promise I can’t make. All I can say is I’m going to try. I love you. I’m here for you and I really do care. I hope you see that in the many things I do, and try to do. And I’m committed to doing better in future.

Being a Dominant doesn’t mean you can’t or won’t ever be wrong or make mistakes. It also doesn’t excuse you from having to apologize or try to make things right when you do. In fact, I would argue your responsibility to do so is even greater, and needs to be taken as such.

Fucking the goat is never fun, but it can be handled with integrity, honor and humility.

It only defines you if you refuse to accept responsibility for your missteps.

Featured image: Photo by Netaly Reshef from Pexels

Goat: Photo by Nandhu Kumar from Pexels

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s