No Means NO.

Okay, so this isn’t really political, except it kinda is, except it isn’t. Maybe. I’m not really sure right now. I just know I’ve been ushered into a dimension of pissed-off where I try not to spend too much time.

So, if you’re here, chances are you already know I’m kinky and polyamorous. This means I spend a certain amount of time on dating sites and apps, talking to like-minded people in the hopes we’ll click and maybenend up doing some very adult things to, with and on one another at some point. About 10% of the time, it works out okay. 85% of the time, the other party flakes or “ghosts,” which is really shitty behavior and something I simply do not tolerate.

And then there’s the OTHER 5%.

This is where all my weird dating stories, of which I have rather more than my fair share, seem to come from.

These are the subs who are all in and want to do ALL THE THINGS (yes, even that thing with the flogger, Cool Whip and candle wax) until they realize this lifestyle involves actual work and effort on their part. These are the “subs” who want the illusion of trouble, without the fuss, bother and emotional and physical pain of actual, grown-up consequences for their actions. These are the subs who go to a public play event and embarrass Doms by deciding they know better than the Dom does how much they can take and throw a fit when the Dom doesn’t immediately cave to their demands.

And then there’s what happened today.

Let’s set the Wayback Machine for about 24 hours ago.

I’m on KNKI. I have a profile there which clearly states I’m hetero and looking for women. I receive a notification that someone thinks I’m hot. I go take a look.

It’s a guy.

Okay, well, looking doesn’t cost anything one way or the other, and at least he has good taste. I appreciate the thought, but I’m not interested, so I don’t engage.

Then I got this message string from him.


Now, I’m going to be honest here:

I am not proud of this. But:

There was a time I DID NOT have good boundaries.

Not for myself. Not for others.

I would let people say and do things to me which were, and are, completely unacceptable. I thought “NO” meant “Try harder,” and “I’m not interested” meant “Negotiate with me.” I shudder to think of the harm I did, and the number of women I left in my wake who had written me off (rightly!) as a creeper.

But with hard work, determination, effort and a ton of soul-searching and being mindful of my interactions, I overcame that flaw. I take boundaries and limits EXTREMELY seriously. If someone says “No thank you,” whether it’s to dinner, drinks, a scene or a date, I respect that. If someone says, “Don’t put it in my ass/leave marks/[your favorite limit here],” I don’t push the issue.

In return, I expect my own limits to be respected the same way.

When they aren’t, it’s not just that it pisses me off, although it does. It’s not “just” a consent violation or a breach of my personal boundaries, although anyone who’s spent more than zero time in the kink lifestyle understands how devastating even the most seemingly innocuous consent violation can be.

It’s a challenge and threat to me. It’s a statement that I don’t know my own mind. And, perhaps worst of all,

It’s a bitter reminder of times when I didn’t have good boundaries.

So, to anyone in my past whom I harmed in any way when I didn’t have the sense of boundaries I possess today, I sincerely and humbly ask your forgiveness.

To those I am with now or will be with in the future, know I am not that man and refuse to be that man every again. I will respect your limits. I will honor your boundaries. I will value your consent. I may push the line, but I will not break it.

Because I remember what it was like when it was done to me.

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