It’s the most common trope in kink fiction: Big meanie-head Dominant enjoys the submissive’s ministrations and body without any thought or care for her desires or even her consent. She waits on him hand and foot, hits her knees for a blowjob any time he twitches his finger and accepts whatever he decides to say or do to her without question.
Does that sound good to you?
Yeah. Me either.
Now, please don’t get me twisted here: I enjoy playing the role of the big meanie-head. I find bruises, welts, marks and tears erotic when they come from a consenting partner. I enjy the benefits of telling one of my girls to do X and watching them run to satisfy my whim and will. Let’s don’t kid ourselves. Being the boss, carrying the flogger and stalking around barking orders is pretty damned cool. But let me be clear:
It is also a HELL of a lot of WORK!
Here’s the thing.
I don’t value doormats. I value strong, intelligent, emotionally aware, sex-positive women. I don’t need someone who will meekly do whatever I say without question; I need women who will challenge me sometimes, who will look up at me and say “No!” not because they don’t want to do whatever they’re refusing, but because they want to test me and see if I’m still “Dom enough” to enforce my will upon them. They basically serve as a mental emery board in this way, helping me keep my edge sharp.
In the same way, I serve them just as much, if not more than, they serve me. This is the heart and soul of being a good Dominant. If you are not offering and getting a fair exchange of value as perceived by all parties, SOMETHING IS BADLY AMISS!
My girls have entrusted an IMMENSE amount of responsibility for their physical, emotional and mental safety and security to me. They look to me to be an immovable object they can “break” themselves on when the stresses of life become too much to bear, and the medic who picks up the pieces and shards left behind and puts Humpty Dumpty back together again. I am the storm they must brave, and their shelter from the world outside. I am coach, father confessor, shrink, cheering section, problem solver, Terminator, “Daddy,” punisher and inquisitor according to their needs. I am the source of all pleasure and pain. At one moment I need to be an adamantium blade, and the next a soft, cuddly teddy bear. I must be both an unyielding support and a soft place to land.
Does that sound like a lot of work?
And that doesn’t even scratch the surface. What about learning the little cues and quirks that signify her “No” isn’t as firm as it sounds? What about learning her preferences and needs so intimately that when she raises an eyebrow, you know she’s spoiling for a sexy spanking? What about understanding her tone, syntax and word choice so well that you can actually see her expression in your mind over a phone line a thousand miles away? And don’t EVEN get me started on being able to do all these things so seamlessly and flawlessly that to an outsider, you look like a mind reader!
The amount of work it takes to:
- Prove yourself
- Gain the trust of your submissive
- MAINTAIN the trust of your submissive
- Learn your submissive’s mental and emotional responses so intimately that you can assess her response before you ever perform the action
- Learn how to do ALL THE KINKY THINGS without causing severe or unintended injury to your submissive
- And finally, make sure you’re juggling all of these things while keeping her hard limits and needs uppermost in your mind
is absolutely mindboggling!
Now consider I do that with TWO women, plus a more-or-less steady stream of more casual partners, taking into account that the difficulty levels increase geometrically the more people you add to the mix, and you start to get some idea of the complexity of my situation.
In fact, I daresay that without an attitude of loving service, respectful observance of limits and caring Dominance, this couldn’t possibly work. At BEST it would be a short-term engagement, and at WORST it would be a short step away from handcuffs, courtrooms and other far less pleasant entanglements.
While D/s is obviously not a partnership of equals, especially when it comes to deciding who’s going to “get it” and who’s going to be the giver, it should be AT LEAST equal in how all parties serve each other and the dynamic they have established.
If there MUST be an imbalance in who’s giving more to the dynamic, it had damned well better be the Dominant who is giving, doing and offering more. Nothing less will do.
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