#FetishFriday: The Bully Pulpit

It’s the weekend, y’all! And I don’t know about you, but it couldn’t come soon enough to suit me. It’s been a busy week in the Batcave, but I’m far enough ahead on things that I can take a little time and cool my jets after I get this post done.

So, let’s talk about something that REALLY, SERIOUSLY pisses me off.

No matter what your hobbies, interests or ambitions are, it seems there’s always some asshole preaching from the bully pulpit about how “If you do ABC like XYZ, you’re doing it wrong!” A LOT (in fact, far too many) of these people don’t have any business telling anyone how to do anything at all, but they storm around broadcasting how they, and they alone posses The Wan Twue and Only Way™ and if you’re not doing it exactly the way they do, you’re wrong.

I see this from A LOT of dominants. Note the lowercase D here. With the capital letter, “Dominant” is a term of respect. Without it, it means someone who plays the part but may or may not be (and generally isn’t) worthy of the title.*

My problem with this doesn’t just stem from my manifold and freely admitted issues with authority, of which I have rather more than my fair share. The real issue here is that in too many cases, not only are these alleged dominants just plain, flat-out wrong, but they’ve forgotten one of the most important tenets of kink, which is:

MY KINK IS NOT YOUR KINK! (MKINYK)

Picture, if you will, being at a dungeon in the middle of a scene with your partner. You’ve already negotiated what’s acceptable, what’s off limits and what is and is not on the table. You’re well within those bounds, your partner is squirming and crying (and loving every minute of it, regardless of what her face and body language say), you’re in your zone and you’ve matched your strikes perfectly to the rhythm of “Voodoo…”

…and some dickhead asshat shitlicker pipes up from the sidelines to tell you all about how you’re throwing your flogger wrong, pushing you right out of Topspace and leaving your partner wondering what the actual fuck just happened. (She doesn’t know, because she’s wearing a blindfold and has a crazy mix of blood and endorphins sparkling through her head, so she’s probably not terribly attuned to the outside world.)

Within the kink community, there are only two reasons you should EVER interrupt someone else’s scene!

  • The bottom is in obvious physical distress, i.e. not breathing or turning blue. If this happens, it is expected that whoever is closest to the scene will let the Top know and take whatever measures are necessary to get the bottom any care they require immediately, and to hell with dungeon etiquette.
  • The Top is not exercising adequate care and control of their props, placing bystanders or other players at risk.

For ALL other potential issues, the player should alert a dungeon monitor, who is trained and authorized to interrupt a scene to check in and make sure everyone is okay and within the stated limits of their play.

In my experience, dominants who shoot their mouths off to enlighten those around them with their knowledge when it wasn’t solicited share three common traits.

  1. They think they are absolutely, unequivocally, carved-in-stone RIGHT™.

  2. They’re trying to assert dominance and authority over you and by extension, your partner.

  3. They have NO respect for the people around them, but are virtually guaranteed to lose their shit when turnabout becomes fair play.

Now, I’m not really here to rant about these so-called dominants, although this sort of behavior sets up a useful and vivid contrast.

For #FetishFriday, starting next week, I’m going to start talking about different fetishes, kinks and paraphilias from my own perspective and experience. This is an important distinction which I wish to make EXTREMELY clear right from jump. Everything I post about kink should be taken as following these three simple rules:

  1. I’m not going to tell you how you ought to be doing them, apart from imparting some basic safety rules of thumb. If you want to learn how to do them in real time, contact me to set up a kink class, catch me at one of the dungeons I frequent in Portland or look up the excellent online resources which are available for your perusal. I’ve linked to one such here. Also, I will not be held responsible for any errors you make in trying these things because you read them here and thought it made you an expert. YOU ARE COMPLETELY AND SOLELY RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR OWN AND (IF APPLICABLE) YOUR BOTTOM’S SAFETY AND CARE AT ALL TIMES!

  2. I’m not going to tell you there’s only one way to do these things. For just about EVERYTHING, there are any number of ways to get from A to B to C. Whatever works for you and your partner, as long as you are practicing Risk-Aware Consensual Kink, is how you should proceed.

  3. Most importantly:

DO NOT TAKE MY, OR ANYONE ELSE’S, WORD AS GOSPEL FOR ANYTHING!!! IF YOU CANNOT VERIFY IT INDEPENDENTLY THROUGH YOUR OWN RESEARCH, EXPERIENCE OR KNOWLEDGE, IT SHOULD ALWAYS BE TREATED AS SUSPECT INFORMATION UNTIL AND UNLESS PROVEN OTHERWISE!!!

I don’t want to be the Dominant who lectures from the bully pulpit. I’m not going to tell you I know it all, have done it all and can do it better than you. In some cases this may be true. In others, it’s probably not. For one thing, I don’t know you or your partner(s). I don’t know what your limits and negotiated boundaries are. More to the point, it’s none of my damned business unless you decide to MAKE it my business.

I’m here to inform, educate and give you ideas from which you can write or otherwise create scenes which work for you, your partner(s) and/or your readers. What you do with that information is entirely up to and on you. You may think, “Ugh! That doesn’t sound like much fun!” Or you may say, “Hmm…Hey, Ma! Warm up the curlin’ iron! I just done read a thing on this here Interweb thingamajig!” (Please don’t do this. Seriously.) Think of this as a starting point for learning more about the things which interest you and which may best serve your desires, dynamic and readers.

But PLEASE don’t say, “Oh, well, J.S. said to do it this way!”

I’m not that guy and don’t want to BE that guy.

Be sure to tune in next week, when I’ll be talking about dermographism and its place in kink!

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